hmm. hard to explain it, really, to those outside our little group.
yes, there was a "vote" of sorts. of sorts. there was a calling to find our fourth. three of us had come together. the fourth was needed for balance. when this person arrived in our lives, there was a pattern that "alpha boy" fit to a large percentage. there was jealousy at first. but then, acceptance through conversation, through mutual activites, both mundane and other. with patience comes understanding.
when it was over, this breaking is half of what caused me to walk away from all of this for four years.
i finally kicked "alpha boy" to the curb. and it has taken me a while to understand what attracted me to him, to accept him into that precious part of my life. and why he really didn't fit, in the long run.
the fourth member of our little group... let's just say she is getting her just desserts. out of all of them, she is the one i cut out, without a second thought. she did not do her part. and was a part of how "alpha boy" couldn't adapt.
fp and i are still together.
and me and alpha boy? hmm. well. part of him really, seriously needed healing. as the healing commenced, the more "alpha" boy sulked. he began picking fights and picking me apart where i am weakest. i do not think it was deliberate. just his damage rubbing up against my own.
fp and i remain. he is soured on covens now. me? i am a lot more cautious.
but i can say, without doubt, hurt or reservation, that when it works, your heart sings inside. and i do not regret, as hurt as i was by all of it. part of that song will always be with me. whenever i do air rits with knives or feel a length of satin ribbon. i will always feel the love that was part of those rits. there is this sense of... unity. a unity that bridges the small differences of belief, if you are willing to let yourself loose in it. the saying- "i come to this circle in perfect love and perfect trust." you become a part of it. all of you do, and then, there is this little click. and that feeling takes on a life of its own.
imagine looking into your chant-partner's eyes and seeing the same love of life and joy of creation and excitement.
those things will always be with me.
i do my rits alone now. i am not sure i would join a coven again. or start one. part of what remains with me is so precious, i am not sure i can say- in perfect love and trust, because i do not know if i can share that part of me. i would like to find a handful of healing circles to be a part of- shaman, druidic, or otherwise. i would love to find people who can come together without ego and say- lets raise some good healthy energy and release it into the world to assist in ending suffering.
drac- i can say that my chant partner and i spoke nearly every day for almost five and a half years. we were two halves of a whole. and fp has a way of both knocking my thoughts out of my head as well as sharpening my focus so that i can pinpoint problems in my area. we were in tune with each other quite a bit.
the problem usually arises when someone refuses to heal. they hold on to pain or a wound because it defines their identity. to be in a coven and watch it rise, you have to be willing to look into yourself and let go. to always work on your own issues, because your partners are counting on you. you have to let go of your own ego. you have to be able to say- "this person is trying to share with me, not compete. they know things i do not." one needs to remove the impulse inside yourself that rises to the challenge of someone else knowing things you do not. if you can do those things, and trust that your partners can do those things, and learn to forgive when this does not happen, then you can rise a coven that is like you describe.
