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Author Topic: Newbie in NH  (Read 2478 times)

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LadyOfShalott

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Newbie in NH
« on: September 24, 2015, 08:58:07 AM »

Hello All!

 I posted on the Newbie Haven Introductions page, but then saw a post from Draconis Rex with suggested things to cover in Introductions, so I'll try again. :)

I'm an avid reader, writer, crafter, artist. I've always been interested in magic, and felt most comfortable in nature (or lost in a book). I think I started on this path a long time ago, but it wasn't until recently I realized it, or allowed myself to really pursue it. Tarot, I think, was my first big step in this direction ten years ago.

I was raised in a pretty restrictive Christian house, and homeschooled. My church was a bit culty, and I was homeschooled till the 8th grade, then went to the private school that was part of our church for two years. It was not a happy-go-lucky church or school that sung "Jesus Loves Me" all the time, more like "You're retched, and deserve damnation. But maybe, if you're really, really good..." I'm realizing now that I lived something of a double life.

There were real upsides to being homeschooled. I had hours and hours to play and imagine outside with my siblings. I was obsessed with building faery and gnome houses, and even once tried to perform a spell on my neighbor's dog who was very sick. I LOVED those secret little adventures and imaginings where I had super powers or wielded magic, but I also had serious fear about being caught, seen as wicked or ungodly, or (the big one) going to Hell. My mum encouraged me to be imaginative and creative, but I never talked about my adventures with my father out of fear, really.

My father was a "prepper," convinced the world was going to hell in 2000, and the whole family helped with the business of selling end of the world materials (dry-pressed food, guns, ammo, you name it). I wasn't in the kind of cult where I'd be told who to marry or anything like that, but basically, as a girl, I was expected to learn how to keep house, cook, and marriage and children (the more the better!) were pretty much expected (while learning how to throw knives so I wouldn't be useless during the apocalypse. Not even kidding.)

I've had a few really rough years, loss and pain that seemed insurmountable at times, and this year turned into one of complete overhaul and self-improvement. I got tired of feeling crappy, and started making basic changes. These changes lead me to explore meditation, and in turn Wicca. Basically, I beat myself up for years for wanting to believe in magic. I felt stupid, and embarrassed, and even in private if my mind started to wander into such thoughts I'd chastise myself. I went from feeling oppressed by Christianity to being an Atheist (secretly Agnostic)! And still felt stupid. It's amazing how prevalent feeling of "It's time to grow up now," and "that's kid stuff" can be!

Then, about three months ago, while doing some soul searching I thought, "What have you got to lose? Why do you care what anyone thinks? Why is it stupid? Maybe the reason you've always felt this way is because you can actually feel and are open to something that so many aren't!" Maybe, just maybe. My fingers are tightly crossed.

So, I built myself a giant teepee, and started reading. Reading online, and ordering books that seemed to be respected in the Wiccan world. I started with Scott Cunningham's Wicca, because the solo practitioner thing seemed a lot less scary to me. I could work at night while my boyfriend was  asleep (though I know I don't need to), so my self-consciousness wouldn't get the better of me. I've underlined, and scribbled in the margins of almost every page. I read Wicca for Beginners by Lisa Chamberlain (I think?), and have finished Living Wicca, another S. C. book. I've started reading here and have already found some really helpful insights. I'm trying to take C_A's advice and READ, READ, READ, repeat! :) I have The Kyballion, Tao Te Ching, Chaos Magic, and Sigil Magic books on there way. Diving in head first, and figuring out what suits me! In the beginning, Wicca seemed great for me, but the more I've read the more I think it's not my path.

I'm having trouble with Goddesses and Gods. Belief in them, really. I have no problem with the connectedness of nature and the universe, in natural energies(I've secretly always thought of it as The Force. Nerdy, I know, but it just makes sense to me.), but a being that willfully makes decisions that hurt some and help others just doesn't sit right. It feels too much like the god I'm trying to get away from. Part of understanding nature, in my thinking, is knowing that though it follows rhythms and patterns, it can be destructive and hurtful. Not because it chooses to be. It just is. (This is all coming from something S.C. said in Living Wicca, and I'm sure there are other thoughts on this out there.)

I'm also struggling with the "only focus on the good" aspects of Wicca (also read in Living Wicca), and maybe it's a character defect, but for example: The Goddess has an aspect of Justice, but aren't there times when justice is also harmful? Times when there is no other course? I have no intention of focusing on the darkness, or experimenting with black magic. I'm not vengeful or hateful. My goal is to find calm, and peace, but life experience has taught me that there are some people who don't play by the rules, and I'm not sure it's wrong to hope they get their just desserts. I feel like my Peace is being snagged on a branch of "Other people's actions", and I can't fully pull it down. But maybe I'm just still angry, and not very enlightened... :-\

I live in the woods of NH, and have lived in New England my whole life. I have a supportive partner, and have recently discovered I have a magically inclined co-worker. I just feel like a huge weight lifted when I finally said, "F*** it! I'm trying!" Like a monkey jumped off. Hopefully its friends and family are soon to follow. ;) I feel good. And that's the point, isn't it?

Pardon my long windedness, and thanks to anyone who reads. I just put a lot out there, so I hope it's intelligible! (I'm very anxious not to offend, or sound needy, overbearing, stupid. So, please, kindly, tell me if I am!)  I'm very glad to be here.

~Lady~
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Draconis Rex

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Re: Newbie in NH
« Reply #1 on: September 24, 2015, 12:05:23 PM »

Holy crap on a cracker! Somebody actually read my post  ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

Sorry Lady, I jest. The post is a guide or suggestion. However, so much effort must, by respect, be read. A very interesting intro I must say and thank you for putting that effort in.

BTW call me Drac  ;) Every one else does.

Some of your background is similar to many of us who have begun on our paths, you're not alone in much of your feelings and I hope this makes you feel more welcomed to our vast community (not just on this forum).

Your issue where deities is concerned is understandable to me, I am an Agnostic and I get the feeling you may be leaning that way yourself. This is not always a bad thing; I have been told that when an Agnostic finds their belief then they are stronger in that belief.

I admit I had to google the term "prepper", I was a kind of prepper in my time, although where I live weaponry is illegal (bummer) and I'm not inclined to believe in "end of the world" prophesies. However I was strong in my survivalist learning, this has now morphed into bushcraft.

I sincerely hope you have found your feet now and things have improved in your life. If we here can help in your growth then we are happy.

Again, welcome to TCC
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Canis

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Re: Newbie in NH
« Reply #2 on: September 24, 2015, 05:07:44 PM »

Welcome to TCC. It seems we're sorta neighbors, I'm just to the south of you in Taxachusetts...I mean, Massachusetts.  ;D

Any who...feel free to look around. The search function here's pretty good, and if you can't find what you're looking for, don't be afraid to ask. Someone here will be able to answer your questions or at least steer you in the right direction.
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LadyOfShalott

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Re: Newbie in NH
« Reply #3 on: September 24, 2015, 06:25:57 PM »

Some of your background is similar to many of us who have begun on our paths, you're not alone in much of your feelings and I hope this makes you feel more welcomed to our vast community (not just on this forum).

Your issue where deities is concerned is understandable to me, I am an Agnostic and I get the feeling you may be leaning that way yourself. This is not always a bad thing; I have been told that when an Agnostic finds their belief then they are stronger in that belief.

Indeed! After I posted, I thought, "Did I just share waaay too much?" But I feel like this is a place where it wouldn't be that weird. :)

And yes, I can't say I believe there's nothing, but damned if I know what the something could be. But I'm trying very hard not to be closed off to anything that may come across my path.

Thank you for the welcome, Drac!

Welcome to TCC. It seems we're sorta neighbors, I'm just to the south of you in Taxachusetts...I mean, Massachusetts.  ;D

Ah! Good ol' Taxachusetts, Place of my birth! Well, from a fellow New Englander, hope your Equinox was lovely. It's all downhill from here. ;D

And thank you, the search function is super helpful!
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Canis

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Re: Newbie in NH
« Reply #4 on: September 24, 2015, 06:30:08 PM »

Mine was good, hope yours was as well. We're getting into my favorite time of year, although, with the lack of rain we've had this summer I think the autumn colors won't be as vibrant.  :(
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LadyOfShalott

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Re: Newbie in NH
« Reply #5 on: September 24, 2015, 06:41:52 PM »

Mine was good, hope yours was as well. We're getting into my favorite time of year, although, with the lack of rain we've had this summer I think the autumn colors won't be as vibrant.  :(

My favorite as well, it's just so darn short, and followed by that cold crone Winter! I think I got PTSD from last winter ;)
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Canis

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Re: Newbie in NH
« Reply #6 on: September 24, 2015, 06:45:28 PM »

lol! I wasn't even here last winter, missed all the fun. Just moved back this past May.
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Ashe Isadora

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Re: Newbie in NH
« Reply #7 on: September 24, 2015, 09:49:44 PM »

Psst. Wiccans like to focus on the positive as much as anyone else.  But Wicca is a religion of balance and polarity, and not as sugar coated as some popular authors would have you believe. I love Scott Cunningham but bear in mind that at the time he was writing his books on the Craft there were a lot of misconceptions about "evil witches" he was trying to dispel. When his books became best sellers, other authors emulated that sweetness and light approach.  Not that that's all bad - he was writing for the masses and being responsible.

For a more balanced view of Wicca, I'd suggest reading Gerald Gardner, Doreen Valiente or Vivianne Crowley to name a few. Also Stewart and Janet Farrar. And do a search on this site for discussions about the Rede while you're at it.
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LadyOfShalott

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Re: Newbie in NH
« Reply #8 on: September 25, 2015, 05:07:55 AM »

Psst. Wiccans like to focus on the positive as much as anyone else.  But Wicca is a religion of balance and polarity, and not as sugar coated as some popular authors would have you believe. I love Scott Cunningham but bear in mind that at the time he was writing his books on the Craft there were a lot of misconceptions about "evil witches" he was trying to dispel. When his books became best sellers, other authors emulated that sweetness and light approach.  Not that that's all bad - he was writing for the masses and being responsible.

For a more balanced view of Wicca, I'd suggest reading Gerald Gardner, Doreen Valiente or Vivianne Crowley to name a few. Also Stewart and Janet Farrar. And do a search on this site for discussions about the Rede while you're at it.

I didn't think of that. I'm encouraged to continue looking then, before I pass judgement! Thank you for this, Ashe.

The founders were on my list, but I started with S.C., because of his focus on solo work, but as I said I'm trying to immerse myself so I'll move them up to the "Sooner rather than Later" pile of books I'm accruing.
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oldghost

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Re: Newbie in NH
« Reply #9 on: September 28, 2015, 06:06:18 AM »

So many books , you may find this one of interest  " Witch : the wild ride from wicked to Wicca " by Candace Savage .

Good , bad , right , wrong : we each have and understand them in our own ways . We can only do what we feel is right for ourselves . Just because something is written does not make it right . As you grow and learn more about the path you travel you will fine those who feel and think like you ( spirit guides ) , from them you will learn how to see not just the trail ahead of you but what is beyond what your eye can see . Read , and read but also listen .Subtle things can have vast importance . A single sight can speak a thousand words . Look closer at all things about you and learn from what they could be trying to tell you .
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LadyOfShalott

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Re: Newbie in NH
« Reply #10 on: September 28, 2015, 06:22:30 AM »

So many books , you may find this one of interest  " Witch : the wild ride from wicked to Wicca " by Candace Savage .

Good , bad , right , wrong : we each have and understand them in our own ways . We can only do what we feel is right for ourselves . Just because something is written does not make it right . As you grow and learn more about the path you travel you will fine those who feel and think like you ( spirit guides ) , from them you will learn how to see not just the trail ahead of you but what is beyond what your eye can see . Read , and read but also listen .Subtle things can have vast importance . A single sight can speak a thousand words . Look closer at all things about you and learn from what they could be trying to tell you .

Thank you for the suggestion, OG. My occult book collection is very quickly growing. ;) I also totally agree. As I've been reading (underlining, writing in the margins, talking out loud to myself...), I've been noting things that resonate and things that make me scratch my head, and ask, "Why?"

I feel like I've always been pretty observant of the little things, but now that I'm consciously taking the time to be still and listening I'm noticing even more. When I decided I needed to start meditating (this is where my path begin) I also decided to build a teepee in my yard. Well, as soon as I started foraging through the woods for supplies I started hearing a strange cry in the woods around the house (my boyfriend heard it too, and for days we kept saying, "What is that!?"). So, it took about a week, but I finally got the teepee up and was so proud. I came home from the store to find a large hawk sitting on the top of my teepee (It didn't fly away when I drove up the driveway). He stayed for about 5 minutes, calling and calling while I stood there in awe. Then he took off, circled about the house a few times, and flew away. He's not been back since.

If that's not a sign that I'm on to something, I don't know what is!!
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oldghost

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Re: Newbie in NH
« Reply #11 on: September 28, 2015, 08:57:24 AM »

Hawk is a great Totem Animal , a seeing guide that finds the way out of troubles . Put Hawk image on your Teepee , search the grounds around for one of Hawk's feathers . If you find one you will know it . Carry a Image of Hawk with you or wear a pendant with a Hawk on it .

Build a small fire in front of your lodge with dry twigs , ad some damp moss or a few wet twigs and follow the smoke as it raises into the sky . Hawk will see that you understand .
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LadyOfShalott

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Re: Newbie in NH
« Reply #12 on: September 28, 2015, 09:02:31 AM »

I will. I wasn't sure how to say, "I got the message," so thank you for this, og.
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